the love gang

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A scene from “The Love Gang”

My existence as a ghost will be a lonely one, observing the world and never living in it again. They say knowledge is power, but I know now that knowledge only leaves you lonely. Whats the point of seeing the world unfiltered if people around you don’t? This is a prison. It hurts to see the pain and the suffering that exists. I know the beauty too, I’ve lived the beauty. The problem with being a ghost in this city is that you tend to focus on the terrible things in life. I want to find an ocean. I want to soak my head in it. I want to be washed away to nowhere, a far away nowhere. I’ll miss her. All she wants is to be loved. She will seek it and she will make it. She will try to make him say it. She wants to hear she’s wanted forever. She will hint and she will fish. All she wants is to be told she’s loved, all he’ll tell her is that he wants her, instead. He wants her lips, he wants her mouth he wants her legs, he wants what he doesn’t deserve. She will go with it, because that will make her feel loved. At this point that is love to her. The physical reaction she invokes is love to her now. The Excitement she elicits makes her feel adored. Dear God, all she wants is to be loved.
When I was alive I loved her with all my soul, with all my being. I wanted the best for her. I’ve looked deep into her soul many nights, while she slept, and I wept. Her soul is so beautiful and full of pain. I had no way of making her understand that I was the only one who loved her so painfully and unconditionally that I was willing to leave her alone, to grow, to see the world unfiltered. I took different approaches, yet nothing worked. I wanted her to join me. We could have been ghosts together. This ghost world wouldn’t have been so lonely with her here. We almost made it. She tried. She made it about a month before her lonely heart led her to one of her favorite places to seek out one of her favorite types of people. The irony is that I spent the remainder of my life enveloped in her. She would never allow herself to believe it. I became a changed man. Funny, that very change is what made me into the ghost I am today. A lonely one. I can’t bare to take it anymore.  She was able to go from loving me to loving someone else in just days. As much as I understand it all, it still hurts beyond comprehension. I am a fool who sees it all clearly. I thank her for setting my spirit free. I guess from now on I’ll be a ghost who haunts the sea. This is where The Love Gang splits.


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Sonic Youth | Little Trouble Girl
My feelings for you…are like the stillness of the sand…they make no sound…as they’re washed away.

— Banri Hidaka, Tears of a Lamb: Volume 1
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